makes me so upset that i want to puke. everytime.

there are still all of these emotions bottled up inside, i wonder when i will explode.

so, i've been trying hard

not to over think things like i usually do.
& not to jump and say things, before thinking of what will happen when its said.

but i've been thinking lately, and i miss being in love with you.
i miss when we were in love

and i wonder if we are going to get that back, or if it is still here and has been here all along?

so there i go thinking too much.
but i needed to say, or type that.

but instead of telling you that directly, i think i will just continue to see where we go, because i know that is the way you want things now

eh, i dunno

i hate remembering this past summer, but i loved it at the same time.

it makes me mad, and sad, and happy.

there will probably be no other summer where i've felt so diversely emotional.

it just upsets me a lot when i remember it all, all the pain. the kind of pain you can feel everywhere in your body.

i'm really hoping that with time, it wont affect me as much. because at times like this it gets me all "bleh"

hmmm

on a good note i am getting a second job. score.
'night.

i wish that i wasn't so scared

i don't really know what it is.

but today i was walking through the hall of my home high school by myself, and i had an epiphany.
that i am a senior.
i walked those halls only a few years ago, beginning a new chapter of my life that is almost over now.
i had never felt the big deal until then. until today.
i finally, fully, understand why people tell you to cherish it.

i am growing, every day. not physically( i'm done growing haha), but emotionally. i'm making a better me, i hope at least, every day. i'm trying.

i just feel like there is a lot on my plate all of the sudden.
i need to get my ssl hours done, i need to TRY to pass my ap lang class, i need to get projects done in digital, i need to create a portfolio, i need to make an effort and get my creativity working.
and i want to figure things out.
<3

i just want everything to be gooooooooood.

i really miss things sometimes,(most times) and i wonder if they will ever come back, and if they do come back, will it all be the same?

i think i think too much

wordy.

i always wonder "why?"

is it just me wondering why?

i really do, a lot.

why am i doing this, and why am i the way i am.

just why.

one day

i really hope that things will be better for me

i honestly think i deserve it.
for things to be perfectly in balance

and for me to not continue being confused.

for things to be, clear.

just for once, i wish things could go the way i think they will go...

i don't think i ever really stopped loving you.

hey yoooouuuu..

i wish i knew what we were doing heh.

dear blogggggggg,





why is it always you?

trying to not read into things

there are so many things right now that are happening to me, that i don't understand.
please, someone. help.

gets me everytime.

Our love was lost
But now we've found it
And if you flash your heart, your heart
I won't deny it
I promise

I promise

Your walls are up
Too cold to touch it
Your walls are up, are up
Too high to climb

I know it's hard
But I can still hear it beating
So if you flash your heart
I won't mistreat it
I promise

I promise

Our love was lost
In the rubble are all the things
That you've, you've been dreaming of
Keep me in mind
When you're ready
I am here
To take you every time

you know what?

i think you were right a while back, when you said you were the fool. not me.
you are the one who gave up on someone who loved(loves) you. REALLY loves(loved) you.

for what?



still no answers. still no closure.

hi?

what happened.
i mean come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
why do i keep feeling the same things over and over again it's seriously like a never ending circle of emotions.
you charm me, so i like you, im still in love with you, heck.
then, then i see things, and i get disappointed, and then i remember the things that i know, and then i just get even more disappointed.
then i feel like i don't care at all. why should i care? but we all know it isn't true.

Please, why did you ever have to change?
why am i still in love with who you were?

why can't i just stop talking to you and moooovvveee on.

the number one reason i guess, is because i don't want to.
and i must stupidly have the teeniest bit of hope that you might still want to try again..because of the things you said that one night. i think that deep down, you still feel that way. but i may never know. i'm dying to know how you feel though, really i am.

no one knows how hard this is,
sure! just move on. sounds easy.


le siiiiighhhhhh

it's like this:

i am single, but my heart is still taken

you will always have a piece of me

this doesn't mean i'm still dwelling or anything, it's just the way it is

i wish i had a beautiful, booming, singing voice

just saying.

anyway, i like to think i am a breath of fresh air.
not someone caught up in all the wrong things.

and recently i've been feeling better about the event on june the 8th.

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

you're just not the same.
you'll never be the same,
nothing will ever be the same again.

i wish that i felt like i still knew who you are.

i'm so tired of putting up with stuff, im tired of putting what i need to say out there and then just getting my heart stomped all over.

hahaha.

I think you got the best of me
You're sleepin' with the enemy
You left me all alone

I'm sick and tired of the mess you made me
You're never gonna catch me cry

i'm really tired of everything.

just go away.

hi

i guess i'm glad i finally woke up from that dream
and have been pushed into the reality of things.

you'll never understand how hard this is.
no one will.

in the end, i don't know. maybe things can be okay someday.

but i wish you were never different.

okay, that's all i really have to say.

i really didn't want to get my hopes up.
but i guess i couldn't help it.

i will give you time.
just please don't break my heart again

love lost

Our love was lost
In the rubble are all the things
That you've, you've been dreaming of
Keep me in mind
When you're ready
I am here
To take you every time

sillhouette.

Well, I know you won't admit this,
but I am just a silhouette to you.
Found comfort with my distance,
but you never let me stray out of your view.

Who really needs the past,
with the allure of something new?
So, we split apart at last,
I went back to the places that I knew
before you.

And you'll never have to see
the light that wraps itself around me.
And I'll never have to know
the faces and the places you go.

i don't think i understand your intentions.

by the way i think i know more than you'd rather me know..

there's a lot that i don't know about what's been going on. and i'm tired of it. i'm tired of caring, i'm tired of being lied to.

tired of missing you.
tired of thinking that you are the same.

'cause you're not.

i used to know a different you

there is still so much

that i don't even know.

i wish this wasn't as hard as it truly is. hmph.

Our love was lost
But now we've found it
Our love was lost, was lost
And hope was gone

Our love was lost
But now we've found it
And if you flash your heart, your heart
I won't deny it
I promise

I promise

Your walls are up
Too cold to touch it
Your walls are up, are up
Too high to climb

I know it's hard
But I can still hear it beating
So if you flash your heart
I won't mistreat it
I promise

I promise

Our love was lost
In the rubble are all the things
That you've, you've been dreaming of
Keep me in mind
When you're ready
I am here
To take you every time

Oh, our love was lost
Lost, lost, lost, lost..
Our love was lost
But now its found

why do i keep having dreams about you?

please, get out of my dreams unless they are made into a reality.

i miss you.

i miss your face,
i miss your room
i miss your bed
i miss your car
i miss cuddling
i miss sleeping
i miss watching stupid shows together
i miss swimming with you
i miss going places with you
i miss everything
most importantly, i miss how happy we were together.

heh, sorry.

Why do you let me stay here
All by myself?

Why don't you come and play here?
I'm just sitting on the shelf

Why don't you sit right down and stay a while?
We like the same things and I like your style

It's not a secret
Why do you keep it?
I'm just sitting on the shelf

i don't know.

i just want to be appreciated.
i think i deserve some respect.

i like it

that you've been chatting with me lately,
it feels nice.
:)

but i mean, just know, i'm not over you.

you probably already know that though hehe.
i hope for these chats to continue

i wish i knew how you felt

you don't know

how much you broke me.

i've just been wondering why it is, that i still care, and why i still miss you?
really, why?
what have you done good for me?
sure, we had a great time, to me, that's how i view it at least..and i really miss it but you choose to let it all go?

it doesn't help that i keep dreaming about you.
you coming back.

half of me really wishes that i didn't care at all so when i saw things, it wouldn't hurt.

the other half of me has no choice.

you said
that it was never that you didn't love me.

i'm sitting here wondering,why do i still care?

i'm confused.

it's just that, we had so much
i haven't talked to you in a while, i haven't seen you in an even longer while.
and now it all feels like it was just a dream

you can't just forget about me, can you?

i know

things have changed, and we are different.
but i would really love to uh, say, re-get-to-know you :)

i had a dream that

i got an english bulldog and a really tiny kitten.

it was exciting but then i woke up ha

do you remember?

that one night at the beach when i watched ufc fights &cuddled with you until we fell asleep?
and the early morning where we got up and walked to see the sunrise, then went back to the condo and watched pokemon & laughed,and fell asleep again?
& experiencing the boardwalk with me?
:) those are some really good memories, i miss it. i miss you heh

just in case

you may be wondering..
i miss everything about you.

"You know what? I can get a couple of my brother's loser ass friends to go over to Mason's apartment , knock on the door and when he opens it wham! They'll junk-punch him all up in his man business and he'll fall to the floor whaling and crying "why?" and then we'll say "you know why!"

--what happens in Vegas

if i really love you, i will let you go

What exactly needs explanation?


The fact that I've been
waiting around like a moron...


hoping that one day you'll actually
feel about me the way I feel about you?


Or the fact that you're so obsessed
with your future...


that y-you completely forget about everyone
that you're supposed to give a shit about?


I'm not waiting anymore. I'm done.


I may not know exactly what my future
looks like, but I do know one thing.


You're not in it.

--post grad

Don't look back all you'll ever get is the dust from the steps before
I don't have to see you every day, but I just want to know you're there

i'm tired

physically, emotionally.

i'm tired of bothering people with my problems.
because that is all i seem to do anymore. just bother you who i talk to.

everyone is tired of hearing it.
i don't know what to do or where to turn.
but i can't talk to YOU anymore. i just bug you.
like everyone else.
thought we could still talk or something.
thought i could still ask about your day.
but i don't know.

tired of being lost and confused.

:/
you just left me here to be like this. i miss you.

you still care.

time is all i need to give this, whatever "This" is.

ughh it's sooo hard.

i wish you still acted like you cared.
i wish i wasn't too nice to you.
because well you aren't that nice to me.
and i really miss you.

i don't know why though, considering you don't seem to want to have anything to do with me.

:/

TIME is all i need to give this, i keep telling myself.
but i just want to know whats going on with you...
is that so bad?


i should just hate you and get it over with.
then nothing would matter.

you're not the same, so it should be easier to get over you, right?

yeah, well, it isn't.
i never wanted to throw away everything we had.
i still don't.
i don't think you do either. but i don't know for sure.
i still want to be in your life and me be in yours but it seems that it just can't be that way right now for a lot of reasons, i guess.
reasons that i don't even know, or quite understand.
but i miss you.
i still have feelings for you.

i probably always will.
and, i just, i kinda hope that you do too.
even though i am "hard to talk to" and stuff.that sucked to hear. after all we have been through, and i'm not easy to talk to? you loved me, or still do somehow, maybe not.

well, this is me, and what i have to offer.
there it is.

those are all of my feelings. and i miss you. or the old you?

hm.
this hasn't and won't be easy for me.

siiiighhh

hmph.

i miss you.

yeah..

i dunno anymore.
i know that you still care i just really wish you had some more respect for me.
and i have to hear all of this crap later from other people that you did behind my back,
these things hurt.
really bad. and make me feel like you really don't give a poop about how i feel.
but you do.

i wish you could have regarded my feelings a bit too, rather than going ahead and moving on with someone else. talking to her.
that hurts too.
i don't know what you guys have done.
kissing, cuddling?
other things?
i don't know.
but it hurts.

So please please please
let me, let me, let me
let me get what I want
this time

maybe, i'll be okay.

"I don't know what to tell you to get over him. I know it hurts and it'll take time.
But truthfully, Gretchen. You were way too good for him.
You are definitely one of the most gorgeous girls I have ever seen. Inside and out, even though I don't know you so well, everyone can see this.
He is such a fool to pass you up.
And he is acting so childish."

but for now, it is unfortunately a love/hate kinda thing in my mind.

i may already be gone in yours...

YOU'RE all so annoying.
i hate having to see you guys talking.
it sucks.
i hate you. but not really. i just miss who you used to be. so different now.
i should probably make a box for all of your crap now.

i need to move on like you did.
without you.

i miss you.

i hate that i still love you.

you know i'm such a fool for you

you've got me wrapped around your finger

do you have to let it linger

if

you don't love me anymore then why do i still love you?

WHY

why is this happening to me?
whyyy do i even care?
WHY do i care?

you go off and move on because hey, that's what life does, it moves on.

but what about me.

what about the one that didn't want to move on.

i get shoved to the side.

i'm so frustrated, so mad. so upset. so everything.

CAN I GET A BIG

FUCK YOU?

yeah. fuck you.

i'm so tired of being in this daze thinking you MAY come back. bullshit.
i don't even know if you really care. you don't love me.
i'm beginning to doubt you. but you don't care.

i want to ask so badly

how are you?
how was your day yesterday? and work?

i MISSS you so much it really does hurt. it hurts. i don't want to be sitting around wondering what's going on anymore but i can't help it.

i'm afraid to try to talk to you because you might not talk back.

i've been hurting..

i've been trying to ignore it all.
but i can't.
nothing will go away, my thoughts of you won't go away.
and it isn't that i want them to, oh i really don't, i just want to feel like you.
i know this is easier for you than i.
i hope you miss me.
because i miss you, a whole lot.


i'm tired of being sad, it isn't fair
i wish none of this ever happened.
if it was up to me..we would still be together.
i'm still in love with you.

i hope you come around, and talk to me sometime soon..because its taking every thing in me right now to not talk to you.
everything.

you said i am perfect for you.
you wish i could have come along later in life.
well maybe i still will, and maybe then you will still love me, and i'll still love you.

i hope i don't sound pathetic, but i probably do. this is my only way of getting everything out without ever directly talking to you.
you probably don't really read this.

i miss you. i hope you miss me too..

don't tell me i deserve better .. i don't deserve anything, if i don't deserve you.

funny?

when i go back and read the posts form when everything sucks and im going through a hard time wondering why you don't want to talk to me, i kind of know why now.. i guess...

hekgemafd

miss you.

this whole blog is really only for my benefit.

for venting& things..and really , i just want to keep this paragraph..forever.

who would i like to meet? someone who's everything im not. a blast of color, full of hope and quirks. i alrdy met her :) her name is gretchen and she's wonderful. she makes me feel amazing. this might sound a little cliché, but i feel like i'm on top of the world when i'm with her. i'm the luckiest guy ever, and i'd do anything just to make her smile, or to hear her laugh. i want her to be happy, she deserves it. and she makes me happy. we're so happy together. i just don't want it to end. ever. 8.24.07


i wish you still felt that way :(

why'd you have to do this to me?
of all times, now?
right before my birthday, right after school is out...the beginning of summer?

this hurts.
my mom just wants me to go to the beach for my birthday but i'm not in the mood..
plus i don't know who i would take with me.

if everything i have been hearing is true, i'm going to be broken.
i'm going to be DONE.

i don't know what to do.

you are a different person now. why should i miss you?

fuck it

you all can't keep lying to me forever...
im tired of hearing all of these damn stories..

i just want the mother fucking truth.

dear blog...

i never knew this would be so hard...

i can't

i can't bring myself to make this break up permanent yet..
i don't think its over
no no no Rgr
fh

:'(

i'm a mess.

i hate feeling like this

like, i am so not included, feeling like i know nothing that's going on

i know that i love just laying around with you and whatnot,
but we never go out anywhere anymore..we never have the time..
and it's disappointing to me, and i get jealous that you'll go out and have fun with everyone else but me lately.

NEED TO RANT

LOVE how everyone in the world expect me gets to hang out with MY boyfriend.

when things come down to it..
how come you never wanna talk to me?

i love those moments, those days when you look at someone
and you just want to smile,
and they smile back
and you're just so happy that they love you too :)
and you are just really happy.

i had one of those days today, it was terrific

i am not

necessarily content with my life right now.

i long for this to all just go away and be wonderful again

i should just start calling these my notes to ryan.

you don't know how badly i want to talk to you right now.
or how much i want to fix everything.
or how bad i feel..
i dont want to make you mad at me.
i want you to have a good time and it seems it is best with me not around..

i dont know if you ever read my entries but i just need you to know that im sorry and i want this to work so bad.

i want to be who/what you want right now.
but i just dont think i am.

...

i need to talk to you.

random things about myself right now.

my name is gretchen.
-i have come to realize that i don't really like winter, or snow that much.
-it gets pretty boring after the first snow don't you think?
-i'm much more a summer,spring,fall,anything but freezing kinda gal.
-i love taking photos, but i think this 365 project is getting to me, im getting kind of tired of taking photos of myself when i don't feel like it, but don't worry, ill make it to june 15th 2010.
-i'm currently going to technical high school for digital communications, and i really love all of the girls in that class.
-i have really wanted to see 500 days of summer since i saw previews for it
-im terrible at math, and i don't really enjoy doing it.
-i want to paint my fingernails red but i can't open the bottle.
-i work at an ice cream shop right now,and it's extremely boring during the winter.
-i like collar bones and hip bones.
-i HATE seeing skinny peoples spines, and weird neck bones.
-i don't really know what i wanna go when i grow up.
-right now, there are a lot of possibilities on what i could end u doing when i graduate high school and turn 18.
-i am in love
-i am happily in love, i don't ever want it to stop :)
-i'm not even sure if i want to be a photographer in the future
-i don't like being yelled at.
-i like eating raspberry chip, chocolate ice cream,and rainbow sherbet.
-i love trees
-my hair has probably been 4728052 different colors!
-i don't drink, or smoke, never have. but both make me wonder.
-swirly designs intrigue me.
-i like to be silly
-i wish i could jump on a trampoline without boobs flopppin around.
-i wish my boobs were not as big as they are.
-i reallly am in love a lot
-i like food
-but im really ridiculously picky
-which i wish i could fix
- i kinda want a perm


that's all i really have to say for now :)

help

i need help.