my posts are usually about you.

i guess its sometimes the easiest way for me to tell you things.

we're going through a hard time right now.

but i don't want it to be so hard.
i knew this would happen eventually, because you told me your plans a while ago.
i really don't want anything to come between us, ever.
i know that we can get through this, but im afraid you're going to keep distancing yourself from me, and i don't want that.
i want to be apart of your life right now, and always.
<3

my heart hurts

you don't even know how i feel

i think the reason why i feel like sometimes you don't really care is because of all the things i say that you ignore.

because you can never make plans with me.

because all you tell me to do is "take a chill pill"

and if you ever read this you would probably just get mad and turn it around on me.

you need to understand that i have feelings and they are still hurting from all the things you said.

when things like this happen between me and you, i don't know how to feel.
i don't know what to say to you. i dont want to make it worse. but i keep how im feeling inside for only me to know.

i know you only said things because you care...

but show that you care please.
i want more love.
i want attention.
i dont want to be ignored anymore.
i dont really care if that is selfish or not. its what i need.

maybe one day ill show you this.
maybe one day soon.

i love you.

change

i'm not too good with it..
when things change..
when people change
when people expect you to change
when places are different

it leaves me feeling quite lost sometimes.

i don't know how to react to it.


that's all i guess

WHY

why are tears so HARD to swallow?

this weekend

has had its ups and downs..
ups have been hanging out with dani :)
and winning best costume at homecoming..
and having fun at homecoming.

downs have mostly been..not seeing ryan so much.
today we went and saw where the wild things are..it was fun and later was fun too but i just wanted to be alone with him.
it didn't end up happening..

hmph

you might not know it

but sometimes you make me feel really stupid. like,why even bother?

anyways.
lately ive been having these weird thoughts like, it would be awesome if you could go back to all of the times when you were in the same room with someone you know now but didnt know then.

things like that..
and i keep thinking it.
i dont really know what to do with it.

i'm alive

and scared.


i want to have fun too.

when i need to spill..

it's nice to have this to type out how im feeling.


i know that, people need to do their own things.
and i know that i need to do mine.
but what about the US part.
whats going to happen?
whats going to happen to us.
and i really DONT want to obsess over it but i feel like i give myself no choice but to think about what will happen when it happens.
i dont want to say anything though, ill just think about it every so often until it happens.

and
im scared.


another thing.
i really dont like who i am sometimes. i just wanna stop being myself :|

i dont know

what i want to do with my life..
or what i want to be..




i only know one thing.

i don't get it..

i dont really know why i am the way i am.
i can be really open and a lot of fun with groups of people.
i dont know why i limit myself.
there are reasons..but they dont make sense.

overall..i wish i was more fun.
i wish i could be a party person and enjoy sitting around with people i dont know..

let it out

everything thats been going on lately,

i started school at tech high, which i love.
im in digital communications

i can drive SOON but no wait, its been rumored that now we must wait an additional 3 months more than 6 months. so i might NOT be able to drive soon :(

the weather has been PERFECT the past two days.

im STILL in love.
very much
:D

i still scoop ice cream under new managament.

and i still have jealousy problems that i need to work on
which is kind of a focus point for me.

but i have gotten SO much better

i love the stars

and they love me too.

today was an important day,
it marks two years that ive been with ryan,
and i STILL couldnt be happier :)


<3

clumsy

cause im fallin in love

i will always

love the song
make you smile by +44



i work tonight with dani.

heres my 365 for today that im actually pretty happy with

i went outside with no idea of what to do and it just happened

my hair.

i want to cut my hair.
i want to let it grow,
i want to dye my hair,
i want to keep it blonde.

decisions, decisions.

photos

that i took today.

these, i actually captured in the reflection of my glass door.





i liked my hair in this light and thought this looked cool




dani and i :)

i think there is a reason

that i worry so much about certain things,

when a familiar feeling comes back.

i worry that history will repeat itself.
i guess i should realize that that doesn't always happen.

i need to get out of here and leave someone alone
the reason being,
because i remember a while ago, when i really got on their nerves, and they told me that.
and i get really paranoid about it..
i hope that "they " reads this and realizes the real reason i feel the way that i do..

i think i might go somewhere with dani, because we are both very bored. and need out of our houses.

i am embracing

myself, for everything that i am.

i miss ryan

isn't it interesting?

what people think of you?

i just looked at my photos on facebook and you know.. those tag things, where people tag you on certain personalities... im so bad at explaining but you get me.
anyways,
one was
" the smiley one"
another was
"the shy one "
and another was "the smitten one"
i mean, they are all true, but people think so many different things of someone.
i've had someone be completely surprised that i have a myspace.
in my mind i was like, "really? do you really think that im some sort of social outcast?"
i guess thats title you get when youre stuck in a math class where NO ONE is your type of person.

i guess what im getting at is, i've been perceived SO many different ways.
and it kind of surprises me.
but i guess thats because i really am shysmittensmileysocialoutcasthappysad all in one.

i dont know

if you realize it, but i love EVERYTHING about you.
and how perfect we are.

i hate it so much when

people tell me that I ALWAYS HAVE A BAD ATTITUDE

because i REALLLLLY dont...

if i am having a bad attitude then im probably just upset or mad..

i really dont have a bad attitude all the time.
it just bothers me

makes me wonder how do people REALLY see me...

i'm nervous

about going back to school..
because it's really sooon

i'm excited for my tech class..
but not my academics at all.

i just hope that i liked at least one person in my tech class haha

im nervous about the changes that will take place.
i mean, i dont think that anything will REALLY change but it will be different..again.
i just need to stop, take a breath, and let things happen one day at a time.
:)
i'm okay.

:)

work was exciting because ryan visited me and i made him a good blast :)

thats all

today has been boring

oh well.
i've just kinda been sitting around waiting for something to happen
i work at 7
but i wish i could go in earlier, cause im really really bored right now

lol
i am even waiting to eat dinner so i can have something interesting to do in an hour.
cause karly is still at the beach and my parents are gone.
meh


oh welll
everyone has one of these days right?
hopefully work wont be too bad.
HOPEfully.

im back from the beach!

it was realllllly nice having ryan come with me :)
even though it IS really overrated, we had a lot of fun.
we went to the beach at night, during sunrise, and even in the middle of the day which was stilllll fun even though there were hundreds of people there.

we went to a waterpark one day and i cried about getting on a slide, and then whined about getting on another one, and he STILL loves me. ;)

he won me an uglydoll on the boardwalk, in an arcade, and we spent a bunch of money trying to win an itouch out of a stacker machine but oh welllll.

waking up in the same room was nice :)
and cuddlin.

but anyways, im home, and i miss dani, and i got her a present at the beach :)

and i already missed ryan after not even a whole day of being apart.

and..i am happppy. truly happy.

school, is less than 2 weeks away already.. ugh.
but i am excited for going to tech, and i am also excited for
ryan and i's two years.
it seems so short but when i look back and think of EVERYTHING that has happened between us, and every moment we hung out, it seems really long.
but yeah..im excited for it. a lot.
:D

and im scared.
but thats me..i think too much hehe.
i'm in love. <3

:D

work tonight wasnt so bad!
it was kinda fun,
i dont mind working with tara and nicole at all, they are pretty amusing
:)
buti wokred with brittni and vanice as welll
:)

then ryan picked me up from work
and we came to my house and chilled and such

it was fun,
i cant wait for tomorrow niiiight
cause we are going to the BEACH :D

i'm excited!

but i don't know if you are hehe.

i can't wait to go to the beach!

i got woken up this morning by nacho and josie barking at these strange men outside my house. i dont really know why they were there but then i went back to sleep and woke back up at 10.

nothing has really happened yet today, so im not sure why im posting so early anyways.
...
just to say that im excited for the beach :)

so,

today was pretty boring.
then i went to go get my prescription sunglasses
and THEY WERE CLOSED

meh.. and that ruined my whole idea for my 365 today..
and now i think i did something gay. oh well

im becomming kind of nervous about the beach now.
cause ryan is going with me
and i hope he can stand me for 5 days straight
and..waking up in the morning, oh boy.

oh well though
im sure it will be fine, and fun.

anyways
i had a lot of fun with him tonight, i wen tover to his house and we were pretty much gay the whole time.
yyeah!

yesterday <3

was relaxing, and nice.
i went with ryan to Frederick for his shoot, and we went to this really nice place
i sneaked in some shots of my own.
haahah

after we went there, we went to my house and pretty much slept on my hammock.
it was really nice.
and really nice out.
i felt like i was already at the beach, with my eyes closed, laying on the sand.

im excited to go on vacation, ryan is coming with me.
it will be interesting cause karly and her boyfriend are coming too.
oh well, i plan on doing our own thing and havin fun.
:)
i can't wait

AND FINALLY dani works with me tonight! :D
im so excited , i misssed her!
but i work 4 to 10 and its HOT out so im not really looking forward to the night.

well thats about all, im going to go exercise

dear _______

yesterday i broke my new lens.
which was really upsetting even thought it was cheap..

and yeah.
i work tonight for the first time this WHOLE week. how lovely.

and im leaving for the beach on friday night im pretty sure :)

i cant wait.

oh yeah.
i need to loose weight , so im gonna.
im tired of this extra fat. i need to tone up, or something,
i just got upset about it this morning so yeah..

DEAR BLOG

i cannot wait for today to be over.

i really really hope that, it can just be....sort of fun,

bye.

i just wanted to say.

something to a particular someone.
who i don't think reads this blog of mine much

considering every time i ask he asks for the link
lol

but.
today , or yesterday, was a year and 11 months with you.
which i think is amazing,
cause i can be kinda psycho sometimes
and i cant wait for the next month..
or the next how ever long..

so many things i want to tell youuu.


but bottom line.
you're amazing, the best.

dear, whoever reads this.

or whoever cares.

im in a crappy mood today

due to the fact that i only work one day this whole week, and only 7 to 10.

another thing, i am just in a crappy mood from last night.

i dont know why it had to carry over.
probably just because i am so bored.
and i feel like things aren't right with someone...


whatever.
:\

well in other news...
my teeth are still straight.
went to my orthodontist appointment today.

uggggggghhhh
i wish i could drive on my own cause id get OUT of here.
get something good to eat.
and go to borders.
i wish id get to see someone but i don't know. heh.

maybe later ill be..happier!

but anyways i feel really sticky and gross cause i just exercisesd a little
im out of shape.
and the sweat wont stop dripping down my face.
its annoying.



i feel intentionally ignored.

tonight

is not good at all.

wow.

just wow.
i
i
i got a car today.
an 08 ford focus
32 mpg

AHHH
and ilove lovelvoeloe love it
so much


but im not even sure if im able to keep it


I CANT EVEN DRIVE ALONE YET


this is wrong, i dont deserve it..


im excited

not only for my car

but, i've almost been with ryan for 2 years.
2 long and short years.
cause..
i know its gonna be much longer.
i hope..
i love him, and im happy, and these past almost two years have been THE best ever.
and i've loved learning about him.
just saying.

well i'm happy

cool.

nice to have this thing so now i can rant about what no one really cares about.

my sister pisses me off so much.

she claims that i depend on hanging out with ryan too much.
wtf.
what does that even MEAN?
how is when i hang out with him any different then when she hangs out with her boyfriend?
SERIOUSLY
like she just pisses me off.
and then i told her about why amber got mad at me.

of course she was on her side of the argument.

whatever.
bitch bitch bitch.

i really hate her sometimes.

i do not see any wrong in hanging out with your boyfriend.
at all.

whatemtriwgjnmwolfme!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

D:<

my head.

i can't really sort it all out sometimes.
i do not at all understand why i act the way i do.
why i react the way i do to things..

it's upsetting.

then there are those times when i just want to cry but i have no big reason,
something little sets me off and then i cant hold it back. tears of happiness, tears of sadness, a mixture.

i just wish i knew if someone understands.

for sure.

but im good now.
im happy.

you know what i am excitedd for?

the beach, im excited for the beach.

i don't know

what to say.
i have ice cream in my hair right now, it's annoying.
im not in a bad mood nor a fantastic one.
im just right.

i got more of the hours i wanted at work this week,
and its been crazy busy lately.
it makes me so tired.

but when i want to sleep i cant, i just have to lay there for a while.

i dont work with dani at all this week.
which is upsetting.
:(
i need to hang out with her soon.

i am bored.

today.

was nice enough,
i went driving with my mom,
spent some time with ryan, and i really enjoyed his company.
he's amazing ;)

then i got really boredddddd...
but thats okay.

sometimes i guess it's nice to be left alone.

here are some photos.

my 365 today, which i am REALLY happy with.
i think im starting to gain some confidence with my photography..

here is something gay!

am i cool?

anyways..
i miss dani.
and i misss jessa and sarah.
and i really want to do something to my hair,
which i will,
tomorrow
but i want a peek a boo again!
so i guess we will see what i get to do.

i even miss ryan.

that is all for now.

jealous

im tired of getting jealous.

i had a really short dream this morning.

i was watching this happen; it was underwater and there was a photoshoot going on and at first it started with one girl, then i saw a lot of people swimming above the water and they all came down and formed a tube but there was one spot missing, where that girl should have been

i wish i knew what dreams meant.

it doesnt matter

to me if anyone pays attention to this blog at all

as long as..if someone does,they enjoy it.

lately ;

i have been trying to figure out what piercing i want to get. i have NO idea if i want my belly button done, my cartilage, somethin fancy in my ear..im lost with that whole dream.

uhhh...
i got more hours at my job, so im happy about that.
...

i wonder why i must be the way i am.
like even when i want to change for ME i will still slip back into old thoughts..rather than habits.
i dont really have any bad habits other than eating junk.
but anyways, i have had anxiety issues in the past, and i usually feel like i am over them but sometimes it just comes back. not fully like last time but still..
it sucks when you obsess over things in your mind that aren't even important.

and you can't really help it until
you just forget you were even thinking
about it in the first place.

it just sucks.

someone asked me to shoot them!
like with a camera.
and it excites me that people actually like the work(, i guess you could call it work)
that i do.
but i have this problem, i get nervous and shy and just weird when it comes to doing a photoshoot.
i guess im just not good with people?
but i AM good with people ..ish.
i dont really know how to explain myself.
this is where it ends tonight.

ramble

i don't choose what i want to ramble about, i believe it chooses me

the moon has been so beautiful lately.

ahh so i worked tonight and i'd like to rant about the annoying things people do at the ice cream shop. not in any specific order.

number one:
it's really irritating when they just assume im ready to take their order and yell what they want at me, what if my hands were really sticky and i wanted to wash them hm?
what if i needed to sneeze, or cough? yeah.
and i also just think this is just rude..and annoying.

number two:
talking really quiet.
i can't really hear over the snowball machine,
the blender,
the loud obnoxious people behind you.

number three:
talking really loud.
i do NOT appreciate being yelled at.
i am the nice girl serving you ice cream.

number four:
POINTING at the flavor you want wayyyy over there rather than just reading the darn sign telling you what flavor it is.
"you want this?"
"yes that one"
"this one?"
"NO, that one"
"this one?"
etc.
it'd be a lot easier if you could just read and tell me what you want, rather than point.

number five:
big groups in general, weather they are nice or not.

number six:
when people come in last minute and order, two smoothies, 3 banana spilts, 2 small cones.
you know.

well thats it really.
of course i like to be super dramatic about this.
cause i guess people can't help it.

i just ate too much ice cream andd i now feel like barfing!

thats the downer, about working at an ice cream shop.
i can eat any ice cream i want, for free.
so, you concequently gain a few pounds.
and feel sick..

oh and i did this today too,
yeah, down there

how come..?

hi,
im gretchen
and for some reason whenever my boyfriend (ryan) tells me to start things,i do. like this blog, like my 365 project, but usually these things are good for me and occupy my time.

so, how come

everytime it comes to me craving to be creative i can't.

i cant really think of anything to say right now..

but i guess ill just ramble about my day.

i cleaned my room a little,
took my 365
yeah, up there.

i really like it today, i love it usually everyday unless i am busy and/or lazy and dont get to it until later.
i think it will really expand my creative mind,
especially since ill be going to tech this fall for digital communications,
im pretty excited to learn.
well i wanted to post another photo but it isnt letting me,
so im going to go eat dinner now..or something.
i work soon.
ill share more later.